Author Topic: The joke thread  (Read 26950 times)

Offline O:\msg

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The joke thread
« on: June 09, 2012, 09:29:24 PM »
Steve Hawkins came back from his first date in 10 years - glasses smashed, cut face, grazed knees, grazed elbows and a broken wrist. Apparently she stood him up.

Offline Noob

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2012, 09:30:25 PM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Ba-dum-tsh

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2012, 09:31:30 PM »
The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today."It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Igor, aged 6!

Offline Noob

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2012, 09:32:30 PM »
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama so old her social security number is 1!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2012, 09:33:51 PM »
After getting sent to jail for the first time I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently buggered in my ass.
SometimesI think my uncle Brian takes monopoly a bit too seriously........

Guy goes up to his wife with a duck under his arm and say's this is the pig I've been fucking. Wife say's that's a duck not a pig. Guy replies i wasn't talking to you i was talking to the duck!

Took the wife to a disco last weekend. There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
« Last Edit: June 09, 2012, 09:36:25 PM by msg » »

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2012, 09:38:38 PM »
Jimmy Carr telling the most offensive jokes: "The twin towers...*audience goes silent*...was the best of the Lord of the Rings films"

Offline TyranBrûlée

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2012, 09:45:01 PM »
If I put root beer in a square cup, do I get beer?


Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says to get out. Argon does not react.

Atom #1: "Dude, I think I just lost an electron!"
Atom #2: "What? You sure, dude?"
Atom #1: "Yeah, bro, I'm positive!"

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2012, 09:50:50 PM »
Animals in heat LOVE sex.....thats always my defence~

Offline Noob

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2012, 09:51:49 PM »
If I put root beer in a square cup, do I get beer?

I literally LOL'ed

Offline TyranBrûlée

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2012, 09:55:01 PM »
Apparently, the world's funniest joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Offline Noob

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #10 on: June 09, 2012, 09:59:17 PM »
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Hurray for Wikipedia.

Offline TyranBrûlée

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2012, 10:03:16 PM »
A baby seal walks into a club.
The end.

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2012, 10:08:39 PM »
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Offline TyranBrûlée

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2012, 10:14:43 PM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

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Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #14 on: June 09, 2012, 10:16:07 PM »
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #15 on: June 09, 2012, 10:39:12 PM »
What's pink and covered in cobwebs? Madeline McCanns bike

Offline TyranBrûlée

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #16 on: June 09, 2012, 10:40:46 PM »
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being disabled.



So, a man is in the hospital, waiting for his wife to give birth. He's pacing back in forth in the waiting room, waiting for the birth to be over, when suddenly the doctor bursts into the room.
"Sir! Sir! Come with me! I have amazing news!"
The man rushes into the operating room with the doctor. The doctor snatches the baby out of the bassinet and holds it up.
"Sir. It's unbelievable, but your baby CAN FLY!"
The doctor holds the baby over his head and tosses it up into the air. The new father watches in horror as his newborn collides with the floor, making a sick, wet thud.
"YOU SICK BASTARD!" He shouts! "What do you think you're doing?"
"No, I swear it. It's phenomenal! Just watch!" Says the doctor. He lifts the baby again. He winds up and gives it another throw. This time, it bounces off the wall and then hits the floor, leaving a gross smear on the wall.
"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!" Shouts the new father, aghast at the doctors behavior and the trauma he's witnessing.
"Trust me, sir! It's simply amazing!" Says the doctor. He opens a window and hurls the baby out where it plummets nine stories and punches a baby-shaped hole in the roof of a bus.
"You sonofabitch! You killed my baby! Screams the father.
"Meh. Don't worry about it. It came out dead." Says the doctor.

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2012, 10:44:46 PM »
After the viewing of the Dark Knight: Whats that Joker? You'll be back? Hmmm, somehow I don't think you will.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2012, 10:50:58 PM »
Woman goes to doctors with grazes all over her knees. "how did you do that?" He asks, "doggystyle" she replies. "you're going to have to start doing it the other way" he tells her, " i know, but the dogs breath stinks"

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #19 on: June 09, 2012, 10:53:12 PM »
Things you wouldn't want to say when leading troops into battle: Well men, our only hope is that the enemy kills so many of us....that they become slightly depressed.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #20 on: June 13, 2012, 03:45:55 PM »
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #21 on: June 13, 2012, 03:47:48 PM »
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.
So what did you do during the days when you didn't pull out a leg?
(Fact troll)

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #22 on: June 13, 2012, 03:53:55 PM »
If I had a penny for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #23 on: June 13, 2012, 03:58:07 PM »
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.
So what did you do during the days when you didn't pull out a leg?
(Fact troll)
Who said I was pulling out legs? ;)

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #24 on: June 13, 2012, 04:00:14 PM »
I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It's on its last legs now.
So what did you do during the days when you didn't pull out a leg?
(Fact troll)
Who said I was pulling out legs? ;)
:'( Can't see hidden pun.

 

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