Author Topic: The joke thread  (Read 26865 times)

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #100 on: December 17, 2012, 07:05:13 PM »
Scary true fact: 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That means 75% of the F***ers are running around untreated!

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #101 on: December 23, 2012, 01:18:44 AM »
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only cums once a year.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #102 on: December 23, 2012, 01:40:18 AM »
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only cums once a year.
Wow, that's ancient but still a christmas classic.

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #103 on: December 23, 2012, 01:48:55 AM »
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only cums once a year.
Wow, that's ancient but still a christmas classic.
Old but gold :P

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #104 on: December 23, 2012, 01:49:12 AM »
A catholic priest and a Rabbi were standing outside of a church when a 10 year old boy walks by.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "we should take that boy inside and fuck him!"
and the rabbi says "out of what?"

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #105 on: December 23, 2012, 04:24:00 AM »
I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.

The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very, very ugly.

I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.

The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.

In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying: "Can I have a new bike?" He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

If you tell a girl you like her but she says, "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.

My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me : "Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?

My father always used to say: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". Until the accident.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said: "Alright, fatty?"

I'm not being condescending. I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present.

I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done".

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said 'I think you're fatist.' I said 'No, no. I think you're fattest'.

I live near a remedial school. There's a sign on the road outside that says, 'SLOW CHILDREN'. That can't be good for their self-esteem.

Say what you like about those servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012.

You know some of the kind of stuff you read about on the internet about sex, you’ll see myths, stuff that just isn’t true. The best lubricant for anal sex is not tears, no….it’s blood.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

I hate those emails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got 10 the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

What is it about being blind, that makes you walk the dog all the time.

Remember, A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.

I once bought a book for my girlfriend called ‘Women who love too much’ ; I think the title could be shortened, to just ‘Sluts’

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I say no to gay marriage. It’ll end up leading to gay divorce, and that’ll be bitchy.

Before I have sex with 2 women I want to experiment a little bit, you know, I want to dip my toe in the water…and have sex with 1 girl.

I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have 2 women at the same time. She agreed, but then she was livid when I told her she wasn’t either of them.

When I’m with two women it’s difficult enough to get a word in edgeways, let alone my cock.






Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #106 on: January 10, 2013, 04:16:51 PM »
When I went to school I was told:
PUSSY meant a CAT
SEX meant GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
DICK was a NAME
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a TOOL
HEAD meant a part of BODY
BALLS meant a round TOY
NUTS meant DRYFRUIT
69 was just a NUMBER

And then I went online......

Offline Apokura

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #107 on: January 11, 2013, 04:03:14 AM »
When I went to school I was told:
PUSSY meant a CAT
SEX meant GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
DICK was a NAME
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a TOOL
HEAD meant a part of BODY
BALLS meant a round TOY
NUTS meant DRYFRUIT
69 was just a NUMBER

And then I went online......
Well thechnically, both the head you learned at school and the one you learnt on the internet are parts of the body. :P

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #108 on: January 13, 2013, 09:58:12 PM »
When I heard Stephen Hawking had reached 70 I thought "f*** me, that's one powerful wheelchair."

Offline NekoBot

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #109 on: January 14, 2013, 01:06:50 AM »
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #110 on: January 14, 2013, 11:30:59 PM »
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."
I've read something about that :P awesome dude

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #111 on: January 15, 2013, 09:46:01 AM »

Couldn't help but smile when I clicked "show comment" on this one.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #112 on: January 15, 2013, 02:59:12 PM »
Snow is like a cock, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

Offline NekoBot

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #113 on: January 15, 2013, 04:21:46 PM »
While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #114 on: January 16, 2013, 09:13:16 PM »
I went to bed last night with a girl who had a plasticine fanny. I didn't actually manage to get my cock in but I think I made a good impression.

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #115 on: July 05, 2013, 03:37:53 PM »
(Star Trek)

What do you call a black Vulcan?

(click to show/hide)

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #116 on: July 05, 2013, 03:45:58 PM »
Just got a call from my wife who was running in the Boston Marathon. She said they had a blast and she can't feel her legs.

Glad to hear she's having a good day.

Offline senpai_FisT

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #117 on: July 05, 2013, 03:58:18 PM »
Waking up next to a dead baby is the second hardest thing in the morning.

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #118 on: July 05, 2013, 03:59:57 PM »
What did Osama Bin Laden cook on Iron Chef?

Big Apple Crumble.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #119 on: September 07, 2013, 08:36:00 PM »
A man walks into a bar and sets a tiny piano down then pulls out a tiny man who starts playing a beautiful song. The bartender says, "wow, where did you get him!?". The man replies,"there is a genie in the parking lot giving away one free wish to anyone that asks". The bartender shouts, "drinks are on the house" then runs out to the parking lot. A few minutes later the bartender returns with a bunch of ducks following him. Puzzled he says to the man,"I don't know what's wrong with that genie, I asked him for a million bucks and now all these ducks are following me". The man replies,"you think I asked him for a twelve inch pianist?"

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #120 on: September 14, 2013, 10:03:34 PM »
Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200 ft yacht, an infinite visa card and I wanna screw her 3 times a day..."
The teacher, in shock, ignores the boy and turns to little Nancy and asks, " What about you dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch!"

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #121 on: September 14, 2013, 10:22:40 PM »

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #122 on: September 29, 2013, 09:38:58 PM »
With a slight hesitation, I nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet. She groaned.

"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.

Taking a breath, I then inserted three more fingers. Her eyes widened.

"Go on, put your whole hand in," she demanded.

I wanted to please her, so I did what she said: I was really sweating by now but she was getting more and more excited.

"It's no good, you're gonna have to put your other hand in as well" she shouted.

I closed my eyes and thrust forward with my other hand and she let out a scream.

"There you go msg, it's not that hard to do the washing up is it?" she smiled.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #123 on: November 06, 2013, 07:12:23 PM »
A man has been found dead in a pizza shop with cheese, tomato and onions all over him. Police suspect the man has topped himself.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #124 on: November 20, 2013, 08:27:43 PM »
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

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