Author Topic: The joke thread  (Read 26962 times)

Offline senpai_FisT

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #50 on: September 29, 2012, 09:33:32 AM »
Policeman : Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me : .......BOOBS!

Okay that was bad...

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #51 on: September 30, 2012, 01:30:51 AM »
How many times does a baby revolve in the microwave before it explodes?
I don't know, I'm always too busy wanking to count.

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #52 on: September 30, 2012, 12:05:42 PM »
So a maths teacher has taken his teenage pupil to France. I assume it is just a field trip to show her how many times 30 goes into 15.

That's teaching for you.
One day you're taking the register, the next you're appearing on one.

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #53 on: September 30, 2012, 12:15:02 PM »
So a maths teacher has taken his teenage pupil to France. I assume it is just a field trip to show her how many times 30 goes into 15.
I'm sure you need time as a variable. Also, to what power does 30 go into 15?

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #54 on: October 08, 2012, 11:38:28 AM »
In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your phone number sexy". I said "have you got a pen?", She smiled and said "yes". I said "well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing!!!"

I got home from the pub about midnight Sunday. The wife was sat in the armchair, crying her eyes out in the dark.I could see that some heartless twat had upset her, but I knew it wasn't me Cos I hadn't been home since Thursday.

Whats the difference between a Greyhound & Jimmy Saville ? At least the Greyhound would wait for the Hare to appear

Whilst on holiday in Spain with my wife last week, I thought it would be funny to push her in the swimming pool.She completely overreacted though."Calm down," I said, as I pulled her out of the water, "Everybody is looking at us.""Calm down?" she shouted, coughing and splattering, "You know I can't swim!""Ok, I'm sorry," I said, "I was only having a laugh.""A laugh?" she screamed, "Just dive down and get my fucking wheelchair, I'm going home."
« Last Edit: October 08, 2012, 12:49:27 PM by msg » »

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #55 on: October 08, 2012, 07:01:16 PM »
These are not jokes per say, but they are extremely funny things that have been said in real court cases, they just need to be posted lol

(click to show/hide)
(click to show/hide)
(click to show/hide)
(click to show/hide)

and here are just some retarded questions that have been asked in court

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Were you present when your picture was taken?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Did he kill you?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
You were there until the time you left, is that true?
How many times have you committed suicide?


Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #56 on: October 08, 2012, 08:32:45 PM »
Lol, real life things are always the funniest.

Offline Swagmaster

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #57 on: October 09, 2012, 04:08:40 AM »
Two iPhones walk into a bar. I forget the rest

Offline NekoJonez

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #58 on: October 09, 2012, 08:53:31 AM »
Two iPhones walk into a bar. I forget the rest
I probably have to pay for that joke?

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #59 on: October 13, 2012, 05:11:27 PM »
My father used to beat me with his camera.....I still see flashbacks

I sometimes go into a library and say to the woman at the counter that I'm looking for a self-help book entitled "How to deal with rejection without killing".....do you have it?

My grandfather drove his car into a lemon tree, he's still bitter and twisted.





Offline Swagmaster

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #60 on: October 15, 2012, 02:58:42 AM »
I sometimes go into a library and say to the woman at the counter that I'm looking for a self-help book entitled "How to deal with rejection without killing".....do you have it?
O_O That's mean

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #61 on: October 16, 2012, 08:59:14 PM »
"So how do you feel about the game possibly being called off and replayed another time?""It's an absolute disgrace. The roof could have been closed hours ago. I've paid a fortune for flights out from England and now it looks like ill have to do it again!!!" Said one Poland fan.

I just got my Halloween costume. Got a blonde wig, gold chains and a cigar, that will scare the little c***s.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2012, 10:46:52 PM by msg » »

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #62 on: October 19, 2012, 01:37:53 PM »
What's Jimmy Saville and Maggy Thatcher got in common? They both shafted miners in the 80's and got away with it!

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #63 on: October 19, 2012, 01:40:55 PM »
What does a redneck say after sex?

Thanks mom!

Offline NekoJonez

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #64 on: October 31, 2012, 11:05:23 AM »
I wish I knew more English jokes. Most of them are Dutch word puns.

Offline senpai_FisT

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #65 on: November 03, 2012, 07:50:41 PM »
(click to show/hide)

Offline Apokura

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #66 on: November 03, 2012, 08:25:14 PM »
What's the hottest part of a dead baby?
(click to show/hide)

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #67 on: November 03, 2012, 09:10:33 PM »
What's the hottest part of a dead baby?
(click to show/hide)
I though you were gonna say something like "depends on what part you shove in the microwave first"

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #68 on: November 04, 2012, 11:20:51 AM »

I though you were gonna say something like "depends on what part you shove in the microwave first"
Now that's British humour!! MORE!!

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #69 on: November 06, 2012, 11:13:52 AM »
Jimmy Carr:

I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.

I live near a remedial school. There's a sign on the road outside that says, 'SLOW CHILDREN'. That can't be good for their self-esteem.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Frankie Boyle:

"I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old, my pussy is haunted." (about the Queen of England)

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.


Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #70 on: November 06, 2012, 02:03:46 PM »
Lol Jimmy Carr is ace.

Offline Mr.PowPow

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #71 on: November 09, 2012, 12:59:46 PM »
A guy walks into a bar with a gun in his hand and shouts

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?!"

A voice in the background replies

"You don't have enough bullets mate"

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #72 on: November 09, 2012, 02:51:47 PM »
A bloke walks into W.H. Smiths an says, "Do you have that self help book for men with small cocks?"
Female assistant says "I don't think its in yet "
He replies "Yeah that's the one "

Offline O:\msg

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #73 on: November 12, 2012, 10:28:39 PM »
ugh subo..... I wouldn't touch that with yours!


Hey, where has pows post gone? Now mine doesn't make sense.

Offline Kiss x Miz

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Re: The joke thread
« Reply #74 on: November 12, 2012, 10:32:18 PM »
Hey, where has pows post gone? Now mine doesn't make sense.
Meh, I'm forced to stick to some rules.. promoting hate isn't allowed :/

 

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